Diorama of my Mind

I am not even thinking...I'm just letting things happen. Happenings that are happening. Happenings that happened and turned into memories - unexpected...unforeseen - Some I would want to reminisce about, over and over, without feeling tired. Others leave me catatonic to the point that I just want to be amnesic towards 'em.

Bitter sweet...thats how these happenings are. Sweet - because it's wonderful. Bitter- because I know it will end soon.

This is me now - certain about being uncertain.

Verse 8

you were laying in subtle slumber
i was gazing at you in surreality
reminiscing and and hoping at the same time...
engulfing the present

---Waking Up with You---

Mum

I'm simply speechless... :)

Verse 7

Anticipated.
Filled with anxiety and excitement.
It made me float like oil on water.
We smiled when it was over.



-----Breaking her Celibacy-----

Verse 6

Tiny bursts of pain...
Nano second interval
Rising from the bottom-up,
Hurting like hot metal on dry skin.


---Friday the 13th Heartburn!---

Memoirs of a professional bum

One evening, I walked the streets of downtown Dumsville in my So shirt, my made in China checkered shorts and Old Navy flip flops. I walked at a leisurely pace since the roads and sidewalks were almost deserted and I really wasn't in a hurry cause it was just another trip to the drugstore to buy more meds for my cough that refused to disappear.

While I waited for my turn at the drugstore,and stared blankly at a bottle of Skin White lotion in the glass case, I thought I heard someone calling me, not by my name though...it sounded distant, but i heard it. When i looked to my right, a familiar face was smiling at me, but it took me a while to figure out who's face it was. Then i remembered that it belonged to one of my former students, Mr. Abordo if I remember correctly (Hey I used to check attendance, hence the last name basis). It was his voice that i heard, and I did hear him right when i thought he said "Good evening Ma'am, ga teach pa ka? (are you still teaching)". Then i replied with a smile "No, something came up". With that, the reminder that he wasn't the first person to have asked me that question, slapped me in the face. My other ex-students, other students who haven't even been my students, and friends and colleagues have asked the same freaking question. And it hurt that i always gave them the same answer- NO.

It hurt because I missed the thing that I love doing. I mean, I have always been comfortable being in the classroom as a student, but even more when I stood in front of the college kids who , I guess, found it barely believable that I could actually be a teacher! lol! Even my superior used to kid around if my students actually listened to me! But they did (I think), and I missed it..so much. I knew where I belonged--in the academe. Being somewhere else wouldn't be as satisfying. But that had to wait.

Finally the pharmacy clerk handed me my meds, and I had to bid goodbye to Mr. Abordo. I turned my back at him and started to walk back to my house with the thought that I might have said goodbye to my ex-student, but I'm not saying goodbye to teaching. I will be gracing the classroom again. I don't know when, or which institution, but i will.

Verse 5

It pops in and out like a jack in the box
Entrance and exits, it signified
Because indifference is worse than loathing
I got rid of you instead


---Deleting you from my YM list---

5 rounds and a Tequila

My mind is not working well right now. After sleeping the whole afternoon i still feel intoxicated...weak. This is all because of last night's happening. It was Ritchu's going away party...and his rule was that his guests would drink cocktails and only cocktails! Wootwoot!!! After a Sunrise and a Screwdriver, i was still sober...so i waited for my White Russian to do the deed. Before my drink got there, my cuzin's friends joined us and he re-introduced me to one of the girls in the group, whom we all knew was gay ---just my luck! hahaha.

When it did get there, i downed the Russian and started dancing away before everyone else did...well that's because Mitch was there...a dancing partner u can always count on, because when he's around,he makes you look less crazy! LOL

Thirst got to me after jumping to ska and reggae so i had one more Sunrise. Dancing and frequent trips to the bathrrom can be very exhasuting, so Marguerita please! But it had to wait, since i had to make another bathroom break. By the time i got back, the floor was packed with reggae-lovin' people. But where's my Marguerita?!!! Before i could freak out, Aiken was kind enough to get it for me (thanx dear). As i started steppin to the beat again, all of a sudden my last X was beside me! What the hell, "Let's dance"! But alas, like our previous relationship, i was dissatisfied. Hmmm who could i possibly dance with in my drunken stuppor? I know... my cuzin's lesbian friend!

And so she became my dancin' partner for the night. To make things more exciting, her X was also there.. nyahahahaha. Before the night ended, we still had one more drink..all of us had a shot of tequila...that really put the cherry on top! We love you Jose Cuervo!

Now with enough tequila in my system, I had to have her close again...my body was tellin' me so. And we danced...'till the band stopped playing and the people around us dispersed...we were still locked on each other. Then she says she had to go to the bathroom...i offered to go along with her. ;-) If not for last night, i would never have thought that a cubicle could do wonders! hahahahaha We were unmindful of the the long queue that was forming outside. Why should we? Well i just hope she enjoyed me as much as i enjoyed her.

Cheers to Ritchu! And to all the fun people in Hayahay last night! And you, honey, i hope to see again. Positive vibration ya'll!!!

Ladies in Waiting

She has you for a day or two
She has the remaining five
She's baffled 'coz you're dozy
She knows exactly why

She indulges you with her nearness
She satiates like a song
She always comes home to you
She makes you feel at home

She is a woman, that's what you saw
She is an enigma, leaves you in awe
It is what it is, 'coz in your life
I wonder who's the mistress? Who's the wife?

Saved

Last night was one of those nights where I almost succumbed to the subtle cruelty that solitude sometimes brings. The pressure, the silence... just too much!!! I felt suffocated...irritated...agitated....!!! I felt ultra negative vibes emanating from God knows where!!! Since I was under the assumption that my midnight mate was busy, I decided to tell my dear friend "Famous" a.k.a "Brokie" about it. When i thought I was gonna cry my self to sleep to escape all the torment, she called, thus I poured my heart out to her. I know i must have sounded irrational...but somehow after I cried like a baby (or was it more like a cow Brokie? hehehe) i felt better. I guess i just have to admit that i can't take things in isolation all the time...and that I am just grateful for people who actually give a shit about my erratic personality.

Thanx Brokie!!! You're the hero of the night...DARNA!!! hahahahahaha mwah!

Verse 4

Spirits high
Just the thing that I needed.
Dance with me!
We'll have a blast, I mean it.




----In the Company of Friends----

Verse 3

I am the pillar
And I think it's time for you to fall


----An Epiphany----

Verse 2

Constantly nurtured, somehow.
More passionate than ever.
Will it end?
Perhaps never.

----A Lover's Devotion---

Breakdown

" Hi bud m a lil happier today :)Tx me wen u wak up. Hpe ur nt breakng down still"

Breakdown had been me and my best friend's song yesterday. Going through the same shit and all. I so love the song. I know ya'll will too. Enjoy the music.

Break, break down, steady breakin' me on down
Break, break down, steady breakin' me on down
Break, break down, steady breakin' me on down
Break, break down, steady breakin' me on down

You called yesterday to basically say
That you care for me but that you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended to be feeling similarly
And led you to believe I was O.K.
To just walk away from the one thing
That's unyielding and sacred to me

[Chorus:]
Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

So what do you do when somebody you're devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you and it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride and sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away

[Chorus]

Yeah, c'mon
Yeah, c'mon, c'mon
Break break down
Gotta get control
Roll roll roll along
Steady breakin' me on down
Roll roll roll along
Break break down
Gotta get control
Roll roll roll along
Steady breakin' me on down
Roll roll along

It'll break you down
Only if you let it
Everyday crucial situation wrackin' my mind
Tryin' to break me down
But I won't let it
Forget it
Forget it

I've been feelin' like you're breakin' me down
Kickin' me around
Stressin' me out
I think I better go and get out and let me
Release some stress (stress)

Don't ever wanna feel no pain (pain)
Hoping for the sun
But it looks like rain (rain, rain, rain)
Oh, i just wanna maintain

Yeah, when you feel the pressure's on
But nevertheless
Krayzie won't fall
It's over
It's endin' here, here

[Chorus]

Verse 1

The simplest of simples, magnified.
The ancient, revived.
The ruins, revisited.

----A Curse Bestowed----

Huge thanx to Aiken for the inspiration in writing verses.

i remember

i remember
sitting there ,engulfed by the beauty beside me
again, i see beauty
not within my grasp however
i remember... i love you

Let's Reminisce

I was going though some old stuff then I found my old notebook with my old compositions that I wrote for certain persons in my past. Others were just too embarrassing to post, but here are a few that are “readable” and bearable. Not bad for the teener me, if I may say so but geez, I was such an emo kid! Goodness gracious! I am prepared to be crucified hahahaha!

TO MY LIFE

I posted this on the other blogs but I might as well include it because it was also in the notebook…I still think this is the best that I came up with so far

To the one who makes my heart sing in the midst of my monotonous solitude.
To the one who journeys with me along this taxing road.
To the one who waits patiently for my wisdom to replace my unfounded judgment.
To the one who keeps my sanity at its rightful place..

You are worthy of only unsurpassed things in life--
The warmest comfort in the chills of the winter.
The sweetest smell of a flower in full spring bloom.
The freshest zest in the heat of summer.
The coziest crib on a golden autumn.

Tangible things these four seasons may offer.
But you deserve even more--
Like an infant.. You ought to be cared for.
Protected from the filth of this swift changing world.
Loved like the brightest star in our vast galaxy.
With a magnitude so great.. never go unnoticed.

I may not be that astronomer,
Who ardently keeps his watchful eye on Polaris.
But I can always try..

I cannot promise that tears of pearls may not roll down your porcelain cheeks for the nth time.
For the double-edged blade not to pierce you heart once again.
But they can always be forestalled..

I shall will myself, to be the percussion.. the beat in your heart.
The companion that treks with you on your challenging journeys.
To be clever as the wisest of men as for you not to go astray.
To be life, as you are to me..

BOTTLED UP

Written November 2003

In this bottle, contained are my dreams and fantasies
Waiting for the touch of reality

In this bottle, Surfaced are my pains and fears
Kept afloat by years of tears

In this bottle, held are the keys
To my genuine and lasting happiness

In this bottle, kept are mem’ries
Of good times and miseries

In this bottle, Safeguarded are the love
Bestowed by special persons…
And the One above

An in this bottle…
Preserved is the love that I’d give
Love which has the strength to accept and forgive

These are all the things bottled up in me
But which ones should be kept
And which ones should go?

To the one I gave this bottle to…
I entrust my life to you

TRANSCENDING

Written July 2003

I wrote this without knowing what the definition of Transcending was! Geezus!

Transcend to thee all my love
Transcend to thee my care
Underneath the skies above
My soul to thee I bare

For only through this nakedness
Shall thee, my true love, see
What no one else has witnesses…
The being that is ME.

I battled with demons of my shady past
Calloused by pain and hurt
Through my blissful, strong façade
I survived the cruel world

Yet when cradled in thy protective arms,
I am but a child – vulnerable…scared
I don’t seek for thy sympathy
Nor do I thirst for pity

All I ask for thee is thy love
To quench my barren soul,
That I bore to thee…underneath the skies above

Now, bountiful graces are overflowing
The angels from heaven descending
Singing songs of joy never-ending
Of my love…to you…transcending

THE FATE I HATE

Written God knows when, but this was for my first girl(LDR!!!)

I’m missing you so much right now Raking my brain to shake it off, but how

This feeling has lingered on for so long Sucking the life out of me…but I must hold on

Cold, lonely nights without you
Holidays meant to be shared by us two
Two hearts separated by distance…the enemy
Should this forever be our destiny?

Is being apart our so-called fate? Coz if so, then this fate…I loathe…I hate
For how can life be so unfair?
When into your loving eyes, I cannot stare
Your hands, I cannot hold
Nor can I keep you warm from the bitter cold

I am deprived of your kiss, your caress
Your breath must feel warm on my neck, I guess
How you really are, I wouldn’t know
But that’s not reason enough to let you go
Coz I’d have no one to run to, no one to call
Life without you is not life at all.

UNTITLED

Written Nov 29 –Dec 2, 2002 (wow this took me a while!)

I believe I was still a pothead and a closet case when I wrote this, since I think this is the most emo entry in the series! LOL!

Life was great, ‘twas a blast
Just did anything for the fun to last
Been there, done that, didn’t give a damn
A free spirit that’s what I am

What they thought of me, I didn’t care
Why would I, when nobody was there
To even ask if I was okay
If I could go on another day

Things were like that for a time or so
Days and nights went by so slow
My so-called life was now a routine
Boredom struck me; it was so mean

‘Twas then I realized I was lonely
That I definitely needed somebody
To love and care for solely
To fill up the void that’s deep within me

Lo and behold! There you were
An angel, an answered prayer
The very best of friends we became
But to be more than that, I secretly aimed

Being best buddies was kinda cool
But beneath that was an emotion so cruel
Because the love I felt for you was so true
Sad to say…I just couldn’t have you

You had somebody then remember?
But little did I know, it was me you were after
The 15^th of October came as a surprise
Your declaration of love was my priceless prize

I was once a lost soul baby
But your love has finally found me
A lonely fool I was, too
But you carefully saw me through

Never could I even imagine
That something like this would even happen
That I’d be yours and you’d be mine
Hopefully till the end of time

I just wanna thank you for everything
The trust, the joy, the love you bring
The best in me, you brought out
That’s what genuine love’s about

Lucky we are to have found each other
Compared to you, there’s no one better
So many things I found in you
I love you babe…I really do

“For longer than forever, that’s how long I’ll be true”
With all my heart, that’s what I promise you
You’re far more precious than a diamond shimmering
You’re my life, my soul, my everything

chameleon

sometimes you're sweet

at times you're bitter

you raise me up on a pedestal
then before i know it, you throw me away like rubbish

one day you're needy...you smother me with attention
the next you're aloof, leaving me to wonder what i did wrong

for you are a chameleon, camouflaging your actions to fit your erratic moods
or is it just for convenience...your convenience...at my expense

please be kind

...and it made me smile

Yesterday afternonn, as i was walking around the house, under the scorching sun, wearing sweats, listening to music, (just coz i felt like it!) i sort of went into a trance.

It was strange, but i found myself daydreamin' about my own wedding day! It kept on flashin in front of me, changing scenes depending on what music was playin on my ipod, like one of those miami-ish music videos, that sorta thing! And it seemed ..so...so vivid!

I was getting married to this faceless woman (i really couldnt put a face on her).!But despite the anonimity of the character, that was the first time that i felt happy-ish in weeks!

I am so wierd.

I'm Blue?

A while ago, "out of the blue", i got a text message from my bff:

Jo: Do you watch Foster's home for imaginary friends? You remind me of Blue! Hehe

Me: Do i look like a roll on deo to you?! Why Blue?

Jo: Well, sort of, haha. Its his antics. By th way, call me Marimar, i'm curly now.

Oh Jo, whats new. I miss you, and i know you miss me too.
And I'm glad I'm gonna be seeing her tomorrow :) ...
to lasting friendships....

im a masochist

Why do i allow myself to open up and be vulnerable to such painful lashing. the one responsible for such is even unmindful, for i know it is not intended. it is my choice alone to feel such anguish...it's inevitable. i know by now i should have healed, its been long enough...too long perhaps. how much longer does my heart have to suffer when the mere sight of her sends shards of glass that pierce through me? all i have to do is walk away, right? be civil at most. but no...i had to be expectant...stupid. but this is me. i have always been this way when it comes to this unknowing perpetrator. i can't stop. she will forever hurt me for i am a masochist...if it takes agonizing pain for me to keep her in my life, then...so be it. i am ready.

this is you to me

marking the end of a life's chapter, i stepped out into the open
in an instant, you greeted me with your warmth
caressed the skin on my face, scorching me with love and jubilation
you were summer

traversing the unmarked paths, you held my hand
deep into the woodlands you led me
but slowly your grip seemed lackadaisical
letting the lifeless leaves fall on my uncertain soul
you were autumn

there i stood alone in the piercing cold, and it hurt
but your constant arctic savagery left me numb
void of passion...sentiment ...forgiveness
you were winter

time passed, the ice caps are melting
the wind is passing me and im breathing it in...the first sign of life
filling me with hopes of a new beginning
you are spring

oh Freud!

Written October 16, 2007 - after talking to an ex who almost drove me insane

Oh Freud You've made a breakthrough
The 'talking cure' The mind - we can see through
But oh Freud
Why did you have to make my subconscious the master?
That desires of my id gasp for air
While my indecisive ego seeks for answers

Oh Freud Why did you have to be so reminiscent
That a thing of the past haunts my present
Well Freud I just wish you were here
Dissect my being
My being that is queer